Am I really okay?

Yesterday, I was sending my acting videos in my friends’ group chat. It was my day off and I was enjoying the “nothing-to-do”, “it’s okay to be unproductive” 24 hours of mine and I was in a happy mood. On my surprise, a friend sent a touching video. What struck me was when he said: “Lagi nating kinakamusta ang iba, eh ikaw kamusta ka?” And then my heart felt something that not even a cardiologist could explain.

The beginning of 2019 was indeed an unexpected painful days, weeks for me. I mean, who would want to be broken hearted on the first week of the year? I felt alone and helpless. I kept to myself what I’ve been going through for a week. I cried silently a lot at night, and wake up and pretend like nothing happened just to make sure I’ll be still at my best at work and not to make my parents worry. I would wake up, wear my scrubs and attend the needs of my patients. Thank God for my busy duties I had no time to think of the pain I’m feeling. But keeping it all by myself was hard to bear. Thus a week after, I started to open up and received comfort from friends. Even if I haven’t told them exactly, they knew that I’ve been going through something and then I didn’t have to explain, all I got was heartwarming messages and comfort. Slowly, I’ve began to accept the realness of the situation and that people come and go. People could love us and break us. People will comfort us and then leave us. But what I’ve learned is that the best people will stay, the best people will make you laugh despite of the pain and the best people will make you realize your worth even if you felt like you are nothing.

January 16 reading was entitled the Valley of blessing. ” Becoming ill, losing a job, or enduring a heartbreak are examples of what some call “being in the valley,” where dread overshadows everything else. However the bible tells us that if calamity comes, we will cry out to you in distress and you will hear us. God responded “Go out to face (your enemies) tomorrow and the Lord will be with you”. God walks with us through the lowest points in our lives. He can make it possible to discover blessings in the valleys. Finally the reading said: God is the master of turning burdens into blessings. 

After reading this, tears rolled down my cheeks because I have felt God’s presence. It was like I was going through something, He is watching and He communicated to me through the reading. I have appreciated the fact that yes, I am going through something right now, yes, I am hurt but God tells me to surrender everything to Him, He will be with me throughout this sad days and believe that better days are coming. I was too blessed then that when I was reading, I was at the same time having a conversation with a good friend whom I shared my pains. A friend I trusted well because of his maturity emotionally and spiritually. And what he shared to me coming from the bible was totally inspiring: “I might not know what the future holds for me because my eyesight is limited, my hearing has boundaries, my mind has limits, but God is up to something we sometimes don’t understand but will eventually might be good for us.”

What happened to me at the start of the year was the least I expected. I felt like my life turned upside down since the day I was left alone and broken. But I know I have family, I have friends and I have God. Sabi nga nila, lalake lang yan. LOL

Well, it’s exactly 60 days since my “breakup story” happened and then I asked myself, Am I really okay?

Truthly and now I can proudly say, YES I AM. I am proud of what I’ve become since the day I learned my life lessons. I now began to smile na parang puputok yung pisnge ko. The cheerful me is back coming to work and suddenly singing and dancing. I started to explore further my talents and abilities which I somehow forgotten to build up since I was too busy building up someone. I have began to make myself much more productive and spend less time in social media than I did before. I had more time for family and friends. And what makes me more proud is the fact that I have never imposed hatred to someone who hurt me. Forgiveness was asked and it was given. Relationship ended but friendship remains. I guess that’s how you live life. Experience the pain, gain from it and start again. Love yourself and people will love you even more. “The more grateful you are, the more joyful you can be.”

Thank you, God.

Thank you, Fam&Friends.

Thank you, Next.